Larry Bloom: 'Are we at least gonna talk about other options?'
Piper Chapman: 'You mean...'
Larry Bloom: 'It's not Voldemort, you can say it. Abortion.'
Larry Bloom: 'Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup.'
Piper Chapman: 'Well, you put your pee stick in my vagina. And that's why we're in this situation.'
The only difference between us is, when I made bad decisions in life, I didn't get caught.0
Joe Caputo: 'You ever notice how some dog breeds, they sound kind of dirty? Like, shih tzu, cocker, Jack-something.'
Susan Fischer: 'Poodle.'
Joe Caputo: 'That is good, I didn't think of that one.'
Or I look single, 34 and single, which must mean there's something wrong with me. Like, you keep large reptiles in tanks, or I have a very special relationship with my mother.0
Piper: 'Not every Hispanic person wants the same thing.'
Lorna: 'Oh, sure they do. They all want to come to America.'
Nicky: 'Jesus, your entire world view is based on 'West Side Story', isn't it?'
She's gotta start working on tightening her pussy muscles, 'cause her fiance's dick is so small, it's like a hot dog in a hallway.0
Sam Healy: 'It's popular fiction. It's like global warming or female ejaculation.'
Piper: 'No! No. No, it's not. This is real.'
Sam Healy: 'How is it real? Wait, which?'
Piper: 'The chicken. And the... the chicken.'
What the hell is the matter with you? You tryin' out for the retard Olympics?0
Red: 'Black girls hear about a chicken, of course this will happen.'
Piper: 'Why, because all black people love chicken?'
Red: 'Don't be racist. Because they're all on heroin, and somebody's been telling them there's heroin in the chicken.'
Pornstache: 'You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right?'
Pennsatucky: 'Know what?'
Pornstache: 'Jesus Christ, how the fuck did you survive infancy?'
Pennsatucky: 'My auntie helped my momma...'
Pornstache: 'That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is?'
Pennsatucky: 'It weren't my fault. I was just doing as the Spirit commanded.'
Pussey: 'Fuck are you? Joan of Arc?'
Pennsatucky: 'No, I'm from Waynesboro, my name is Tiffany...'
Lorna Morello: 'I need to start tightening up. You're making me feel like a cave.'
Nicky Nichols: 'Baby, it's a cunt, it stretches!'
Lorna Morello: 'Yeah, sometimes I feel like you're trying to climb inside my womb.'
I'm missing half my zucchini. These girls don't realize I'm here to provide food, not dildos.0
Well, I'm just gonna go jerk off then. For the 500th time today.0
Guard: 'Inmate, step away from the machine.'
Larry: 'He just called you 'inmate'.'
Guard: 'You too, sir.'
Honey, don't you think the little rocks would hurt your nose, if you're trying to snort crack? I think you mean coke.0
Look, I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. It's my Lance Armstrong rock.0
Oh my God, Larry, by the time I get out, there will've been like three new generations of iPhones!0
Larry: 'Where would you like me to put it then, Piper?'
Piper: 'Up your ass.'
Larry: 'There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there.'
Come on, we gotta rally. Make some memories.0